I have felt
Because...she articulated what I haven't been able to so well... and we are in the thick of it.
Our lives have changed radically over the past two years. We have both changed careers, moved cities and countries, packed and unpacked and packed and unpacked, been apart more than we've been together, and are generally in a.... *funk.*
Most of the time, I avoid writing here because I don't think there is much worth going in to, but then I realize there is so freaking much going on and no wonder I'm not that motivated to post on this blog.
This blog gets set aside for everything else. It is the very last thing on my mind until the wee hours, when I am just about to go to bed, and all of a sudden, I get a little Moose Jaw Minute niggle in the back of my brain that says...
"You aren't in Moose Jaw anymore...is it relevant?"
"Remember when you loved updating this blog?"
"Sheesh...life seemed a lot more clear two years ago..."
"People aren't reading it, so why bother?"
And then, I bother because it's my life. Our lives. Because this is a little diary where I can type things out and they don't have to be funny or witty or warrant a response.
So, here's the truth...
I love my husband so much and that fact that we aren't together is breaking my heart. I love my family and am so grateful to them for all of the support they are providing me in the midst of transition (ahem, can you say living with mom and dad at the age of 37 for six months when they are supposed to be enjoying their retirement and each other???) and it breaks my heart to say goodbye to them again and again. I love my sister and her husband and their awesome kids and it is heartbreaking to not be around to support and see everyone grow and change and be there during their major life events. I love teaching yoga and the fact I'm not doing that on a daily basis right now breaks my heart.
I love to travel, but at the same time, I love the idea of "home" and can't wait until we have a space to call our own. I love Pinterest, but I hate that I long for other people's lives (and homes, and clothing, and camping equipment). I love my country, but I am so sad that it is so torn, and broken, and that people are hurting so, so, so very much. I love the work I do, but I miss the stability of a 9-5 and a paycheque every two weeks.
So, I think about the heartbreaks and then I also think...
My life is awesome. Truly. I have so much gratitude for all I have and the opportunities to experience so, so much, but I am struggling to balance it all.
These past two years have changed me. They have brought me closer to my truth, to my core than I ever thought I could be. They have also knocked me for a loop and left me dizzy with uncertainty.
They have been incredibly challenging, rewarding, lonely, scary, luscious, full, joyful, and everything in-between.
In that array of emotion, and especially when I'm feeling especially off-kilter, I find myself thinking about the things I wanted to do when I was a kid. Being a grown up seemed awesome. I remember I wanted to change the world in some amazing way...I wanted to be the first female President of the United States, a marine biologist who studied spinner dolphins, a social rights activist, and a paediatric oncologist.
In my tougher moments, I wonder where that superwoman is right now...that superwoman (in an eight-year-old body) who thought anything and everything was/is possible and was super-motivated to make those dreams come true.
She needs to come hang out again and let her massive freak flag fly. These are the moments and times when I need to pull out that little cape, dust it off, and try it on again. It might feel different, but I think it could help me realign to my passion, to start making things happen, to remind myself that "I have control" and that, in the end, superwomen never go it alone, but instead have sisters and brothers providing love, support, and guacamole when it is needed most (...Popeye has his spinach, I have avocados).
We will get through this tough time, and we will be different and better for it. In fact, I might even make myself a new cape...